Bismillahirahmanirraheem 

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَنِ الرَّحِيم

Assalamalaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh 

Introduction 

To begin, this will be the first of a multi-part series about the topic of marriage. These posts will be focused on the process of deciding you want to get married, looking into why and what you want from getting married, and the process of looking for a spouse. They’re going to focus on how to enter, maintain, and build a sustainable marriage. I won’t be discussing the deep specifics of marriage rights for men and women in this post.

However, I will start this by emphasizing the very first thing you should do before thinking about and looking for marriage is learning the rights of the man and women in marriage. That is the most essential step that can ensure you can strive with your spouse insha’Allah to have a sunnah marriage that pleases Allah سبحانه و تعالى‎ and can build good deeds for both of you. The end goal is to have a marriage that can help both you and your spouse and your children and insha’Allah your grandchildren – may you live to teach your grandchildren Islam Allahumma ameen – to please Allah سبحانه و تعالى‎ and enter Jannah, insha’Allah. 

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1.

Learning the Rights and Duties of Marriage 

Like I said in the introduction, the first step once you decide to look into marriage is to learn the rights of marriage in Islam for both the husband and the wife regardless of which one you are to be. Alhamdulillah, Allah سبحانه و تعالى‎  provided us a most detailed explanation in the Quran of marriage and divorce rights and the hadiths of the Prophet Muhammad صَلَّى اللّٰهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ marriage provide the best examples. Don’t even look for marriage applications or meetings without studying the Islamic rights and duties. Be mindful that the first duty is to please Allah سبحانه و تعالى‎, not yourself. When you approach marriage with Allah سبحانه و تعالى‎ in mind first, everything that comes after will be a lot easier, insha’Allah. 

2.

Aim to Begin and End With Honesty

Listen, marriage is meant to be for life, it’s a serious thing to get married. With this in mind, I must emphasize the importance, immense importance especially to my sisters because this is a habit of ours – to look at marriage with rationality and logic FIRST and emotions SECOND. Marriage is not a problem-less, happy-ever after – it doesn’t exist solely to fulfill your desires, it won’t make you endlessly happy, or solve all your problems. Marriage takes work to keep stable and happy. Marriage is a gift to keep us living a halal life that pleases Allah سبحانه و تعالى‎ – a gift that gives us halal companionship and a way to have and build a family of our own. 

That being said, when meeting the one you are interested in to begin discussing marriage be HONEST. By being honest I don’t mean you should air out things such as sins or things you should keep between you and Allah سبحانه و تعالى‎ – I mean you should begin by being straight forward with what you expect and what you feel you NEED to maintain and keep a good relationship with your partner. 

Don’t go into the conversation with any lies or half truths. Try to be honest throughout the meetings with what kind of person you are. Don’t just talk about the good things, but be honest about certain attributes about yourself that you’re aiming to improve that may impact the relationship; mentally, physically, and in regards to your deen. I will elaborate more on this in sections (4.) and (5.).

3.

Begin With Logical Basic Questions

When you meet people you often feel the need to introduce yourself with little things you like, dislike, small talk. I urge you to ask questions before you get to know the other person on a more personal level. The reason why I say this is because you don’t want to build an emotional connection with someone who may jeopardize or clash with the basic requirements you have for an opportune future. You may think emotions are enough to maintain a relationship, but when you disagree on something really big and essential later it will weigh heavily on the health of your relationship. 

Start with Islamic questions such as; what school of thought they follow, whether they are Sunni, their diligence with prayer, and more prying questions like the ayas and hadiths that most influence them. As well as, like I mentioned before, what they know of their Islamic rights and duties in marriage. Ask questions about children and way of raising children and expectations such as whether both partners want to/need to work. You could even preset some household expectations although these will undoubtedly adjust to your relationship once you live together insha’Allah if you are right for one another. 

Make a list of things you feel will be essential to you to maintain the marriage and make sure to ask the one you are meeting with the same questions you asked yourself when looking into these things. Make sure what you’re asking for you can also bring to the table or you are actively creating in yourself Don’t have unrealistic expectations, they will only serve as a barrier between you and a partner who could’ve been a great partner for you in this dunya. Who could’ve been the best one to build your deen and keep you on the path to please Allah سبحانه و تعالى‎. It’s best to also be able to answer all of the above questions for the other person.

4.

Start Asking Introductory Questions

Like I said in the last section, you should begin with the formal, most important questions and then begin to get to know one another slowly on a more personal level. At this point I suggest starting to ask the lighter questions. Discuss likes and dislikes, see what commonalities and differences you have in your day to days, you also have the opportunity to start asking questions about what they do with friends, who they surround themselves with and their general daily, weekly, monthly, etc. life. Play 20 Questions – start to get to know eachother and see where things go. Remember, there’s no time limit on how much time to spend before marriage to get to know eachother. As long as you have wali present(this will be discussed further in post 2) and both people are in agreement about the time, you can even take as long as a year. 

5.

Start A Deeper Personal Discussion 

Once you are both comfortable with eachother this is when you should start discussing things on a deeper emotional level. I will repeat that you should not discuss sins and I also do not mean start talking lovey dovey or anything inappropriate. What I mean by personal conversations is the discussion of personal experiences and issues that should be discussed before marriage. Like the presence of things such as depression, traumas, anything that may need to be worked on or considered within the relationship as it gets built. It’s okay to have problems, but it’s important to communicate and continue to communicate on these problems so that the other person can understand when these issues present themselves.

I’d like to specify that I’m not saying you have to pour out everything that’s ever happened to you, just discuss the things you KNOW might off the bat affect your interactions with your spouse. Later on when you feel more comfortable you can discuss other things that stayed on your mind or are affecting you at a moment in time. Communication is an ESSENTIAL part of sustaining any relationship ESPECIALLY marriage. Over the years communication will become easier and better for you between you and your partner as you get to know one another, but I encourage you to build or acquire some form of grasp, no matter how small, on communication before involving yourself in marriage.

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All praise to Allah, Lord of Worlds. 

Ya Allah, please grant all the believing Muslims, good believing spouses. Grant us spouses that will help us get closer to our deen and to You. Grant us healthy marriages and help us through anything that may arise so we can maintain healthy halal relationships. 🤲

Ya Allah, help every man/woman out there suffering in his/her marriage. Bring unity to the heart of the couple and save them from the evil attacks of shaytan and his helpers from amongst the jinn and mankind. Where separation is best, then help them move on in a kind manner. 🤲

Ya Allah, grant us peace of mind by saving us from people of fitnah. We seek refuge in You from being a trial of others and from others being a trial to us. Place in our lives those who will be the coolness of the eyes. 🤲

Ya Allah, forgive us our sins. The sins we committed knowingly and unknowingly, the ones we remember and the ones we have forgotten. The smallest of our sins and the greatest of our sins and make us amongst those who remember You much.

آمين يا رب العالمين

Ameen Ya Rabbul Alameen